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How We Love

Everyday I hear of another book that seems perfect to address the needs of couples, children, hurting people. One such book is How We Love.

If you want to know how you derived your way of connecting to your partner or why your child’s feelings truly matter, listen to this: If you got it you can give it.

In other words having a secure attachment means the following and it starts with feelings.

If you consider that we learned how to be in relationship from our parent(s) and they created a secure environment that allowed full expression of feelings, the child feels heard, seen, loved. They become trusting and are secure. They got it and so they can give it.

Consider the opposite, a child learns early that their feelings are silly or not to be seen, s/he quickly realizes there is no safety in sharing that aspect of themselves. These children grow up and then cannot fully connect in an emotional way to their partner. They cannot give what they didn’t get.

If this seems hopeless, I hope not. But it does explain the difficulty many of us have in not being as available to our partner as we would like to be.

So what is the answer? Certainly gaining greater understanding of our own makeup, how we became who we are is useful. I believe it is our responsibility in our relationships- We cannot expect s/he to get us if we don’t know ourselves very well. So consider seeking help from a therapist who can help you explore the ways that you have learned to relate. It’s only after understanding that we can begin to change.

So I would agree that if you didn’t get it you cannot give it but I would also add, that you, we can learn to give it.

The information in this article comes from

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich